The Last Goodbye
by Nadin4400
Summary: What if Jenna managed to write a goodbye letter to the man she loved? Alaric's take on her death and his loss. One-shot. Please read and review!


**Title**: The Last Goodbye

**Summary**: After the funeral Alaric reads the letter Jenna had left for him.

**Characters**: Alaric, mentions of Jenna

**Spoilers**: 2x21 _The Sun Also Rises_

**Timeline**: After the funeral in 2x21 _The Sun Also Rises_

**Disclaimer**: UNFORTUNATELY I have nothing to do with the show and don't own any of the characters, otherwise that episode would have had an entirely different ending :'(

**Author's Note**: I have no idea why I even started this because I sobbed my way through writing this small piece of fanfiction. Yet, this entire situation still feels so wrong and surreal… I don't believe it actually happened. It couldn't and shouldn't have :S

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><p><em>~ I can see, see you there<em>

_Hanging there weightless in the air,_

_Wind and sunlight in your hair,_

_I can see you, I can see you there…_

"_Weightless" by Black Lab~_

It was the kind of pain that swept him off of his feet and swallowed him wholly. The kind of pain that was making him want to scream in agony and helpless fury. It kept burning him on the inside until there was nothing left, leaving him empty and dead. _Dead_. That was what he wanted to be now. That was what he needed to be if only to stop this never-ending excruciating torture.

Slowly, the reality was kicking in, and after the unbearably long hours of denial Alaric was starting to understand that she was gone. _Dead_. The problem was that the very concept was so big, overwhelming and unbelievable that his mind simply refused to wrap around it. How was it even possible? How could it have happened? How could _he_ let it happen?

Another pang shot through him, coiling his insides into a tight knot and making him want to curl into a ball and stop feeling altogether. Their last conversation kept replaying in his mind over, and over, and over again for the last few hours until the fine line between the reality and his make-believe had blurred and then was gone for good. He couldn't help expecting her to walk into the room any moment, smile and ask what he was doing sitting there all alone instead of going to sleep. And had it actually happened, he wouldn't have been merely surprised because that was exactly how it was supposed to be. It was right, it was normal. It was how it should be happening for the rest of their lives.

The very thought of never seeing her again, never talking to her again, never holding her again – it hurt so much that he couldn't breathe, or think, or exist for that matter.

He was supposed to be there for her, Alaric thought for the umpteenth time. He was supposed to protect her, and keep her safe, and make sure nothing bad happened to her. And make fucking sure they both got out of this mess alive. And he failed her. The only thing that mattered the most – he successfully screwed it up. And he had lost her. He had lost her forever. After all the time when she was kind, and patient, and understanding – he couldn't so much as keep her safe. God, he might have as well gone and killed her himself.

He squeezed his eyes tight and pinched the bridge of his nose fighting oh so hard to erase the mental image. It was amazing and unbelievable how she danced into his life and became his everything. She truly was his everything, he realized. His sunshine, his hope, and funny thing was that he didn't even notice how it happened as though it was how it was meant to be from the start – natural and simple. She had built him up and brought happiness he couldn't even imagine. Looking back at the last few months, he could see now that the best parts of his life were those that had Jenna in them, every single one of them.

And he didn't even get to say goodbye….

A burning lump formed in his throat, choking and suffocating Alaric, but the tears weren't coming. As if he had no right to cry over her. Not after he wasn't there for her when she needed him most. And really, what right did he actually have to feel the way he was feeling when he should have saved her instead of mourning her? That was _his_ job, that was what he was meant to do instead of sitting there and feeling sorry for himself. He should have found a way to be there, to be with her, to help her, and he should have told her he loved her.

His fingers flexed on the tumbler with the long forgotten bourbon he was holding in his hand, and ice cubes clinked softly against the glass. God knew he wanted to keep drinking until he would black out and forget about all this endless nightmare altogether, but alcohol was only burning his tongue and getting stuck in his throat, and even after almost half a bottle his mind remained frighteningly clear. Apparently, there was no escape. And it would only get worse once he wasn't in denial anymore and his mind stopped blocking out the truth. Now though he was totally going crazy, unable to stop dialing her number over and over again if only to hear: "Hi! You reached Jenna! Leave a massage and I will get back to you as soon as I can," before her phone got disconnected.

Elena and Jeremy had cried themselves to sleep in one of the numerous bedrooms upstairs, and occasionally Alaric could hear Stefan wandering around and checking on them every now and then. He was grateful they left him alone to drown in his misery though, without questions or meaningless words. He needed it. He needed this time one on one with his thoughts. And maybe, if he was lucky enough, he'd simply talk himself into ceasing to exist. And the pain would finally be gone.

He could still feel the taste of her lips on his, the scent of her hair, the touch of her hands, and the way her body fit so well against his when he was holding her close. He remembered what it was like to wake up in the morning and have her curled up by his side, endlessly beautiful. He recalled with agonizing clarity what her hair felt like when he was running his fingers through it, and the sweet sound of her sleep-affected voice asking him to stay when he was having early classes and she didn't want him to leave. He could still hear her laughter in his head, and the way she whispered his name when they were making love. And on the nights when his own restless mind was reeling, he used to lie with her in the dark and watch her sleep, listening to the soft sound of her deep breath and finding his own peace in it.

All these memories were both his salvation and his end. He kept clinging to them as if they were his final straw, but knowing that they were all he had left of Jenna was—no, he couldn't take it. How was it even possible that none of it would happen again? If anything, Jenna was his best friend, and losing her was like having his heart ripped out and stomped over. It should have ended like that for them. They should have a chance to make it work.

All this time… all this bloody time he thought he was keeping her safe by lying to her but at the end of the day all he did was hurt her, betray her, breach her trust – do all the things he'd sworn he'd never do. And then she was taken away from him before he could make it up to her. Before he could even say how much he'd loved her and how much she'd meant to him. And his whole world was crashed.

"I am not afraid of dying," she told him once, and although Ric couldn't remember how the conversation started, her words stuck in his head. "I just don't want to stop living, you know. Everything that I am, everything that I was or could be – where would it go?"

Oh, God, why her? How? She was so young. She had so much lying ahead of her, so much to look forward to. All the plans, and dreams, and hopes that she'd had – they were nothing now. And it was just so, so wrong. And maybe the wrongness of it was making it that much harder to accept the fact that he was no longer with him. All he knew for sure was that a part of him died as well, and there was no way back.

Once again a small white envelope lying on the couch beside him caught Alaric's attention, and he watched it speculatively for a little while, both seeing and not really seeing it. Damon passed it to him some time or the other, the moment didn't register in Ric's mind. He knew it was a letter from Jenna but couldn't bring himself to opening and reading it, as if it was the only thing that was standing between him and the horrible reality. As if not reading it could somehow change things, and until he did it, there was still hope to turn it all around and make things right.

The clock chimed on the mantelpiece, giving Alaric a start and snapping him out of his thoughts. It was five in the morning already, he noted indifferently, which meant he'd stayed there, practically motionless, for almost ten hours. Not that it mattered. He didn't have anywhere to go, or anything to do. Anything to look forward to for that matter. Not without her. Not when he missed her so bad that he wanted to start climbing walls. Not when he wanted more than anything to just turn back time, and hold her and never let go.

Yet, his hand reached for the envelope of the will of its own, and before his mind even grasped it, he had already opened it and unfolded a piece of paper hidden inside. His breath hitched in his throat at the sight of the familiar neat handwriting.

"_Remember that day in the park a few weeks ago? 'Love me, love me not'. It had always been 'Love me'_." It began, and an image of Jenna making wishes on the daisies popped into his mind, making his heart ache. The sun was catching highlights in her hair and for a moment there it struck him how breathtakingly beautiful she was, glowing like that. The image was totally surreal. He mocked her good-naturedly back then about torturing poor flowers until she kissed him so that he'd finally shut up. "_If you're reading this, then I guess the things didn't turn out the way I'd hoped they would. I will always be there with you, Ric. All the time we had spent together was the best time of my life, and when I am gone, I want you to look back and smile because of all the wonderful things that happened between us_.

_It wasn't supposed to end like this__, you know. It was supposed to last forever. But, I guess, life is not fair like that. Sadly, it's a human nature not to hold on to the most precious things until it is too late. _

_I __am sorry for all the wasted days and hard times that I'd given you. I am sorry for not trusting you enough and making the things unnecessarily complicated for us. I was frightened. The way you were making me feel was terrifying. And ironically, the thing I was scared of the most was losing it. But now… now I just want you to know that I am endlessly grateful to you for all the joy and happiness you'd given to me, for each and every single moment we'd spent together. _

_I don't know where the life would __have taken us had the things turned out differently. And believe me, I would give anything for a chance to find out. Yet, whether it would have been a happily ever after or a biggest mistake we'd both ever made, one thing I am certain of – it was that very case when having and losing was so much better than not having at all. I love you, and I always will. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Ric. And not telling you this when I still could will always be my biggest regret, in this life or the other. _

_When you__r time comes, I will be waiting for you on the other side. But before that, please promise me that you will keep going on, that you will listen to your heart and make the best of what comes your way. Do it for me. Do it for both of us. Promise me that you will be strong the way I wasn't. And please, don't be bitter, or sad, or angry. Don't let it hold you back. If it happened that way then it was meant to be for some greater reason. Just remember that every end is a beginning of something new and wonderful. I believe it is true. I believe in something bigger coming your way, and I want you to believe in it, too._

_And more than anything__, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy no matter what. It saddens me to know that I will never be a part of it, but it would sadden me even more if I knew you wouldn't even try. I would never want that for you, like, I believe, you wouldn't want that for me had our places been reversed. _

_For all the chances not taken__ and opportunities lost, I am sorry. Whatever happened to me, please know that I did my best and even more to make it through. For you, for everyone I love. I never meant to fail any of you. _

_Yet, t__here is one thing, if not only, that I still can do – every night when you go to sleep I will be there with you in this moment between dreams and reality. In the moment where the wishes come true. I will always find you there. That is just as much as I can promise to you in a situation when I can't make any promises. _

_I love you._

_Forever…_

_J._"

_~ Your olive skin__…_

_Your secret smile betrayed again. _

_A secret island in your mind_

_Lost forever, lost before your time…_

"_Weightless" by Black Lab~_

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><p><strong>PS<strong> Yes, I think it's thier song at this point. Hope it was a decent piece. I miss her already so, so bad! :S_  
><em>


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